Surrender

When I think of the word Surrender, my mind immediately thinks of giving up. Of accepting defeat. Of letting go. A quick Google search for “surrender” led me to images of the things I listed above; Waving white flags, some pristine and crisp white, blowing in the wind. Some flags had seen better days: tattered and dirty, one flag had been through so much! Another frequent visualization was people, hands up or arms raised, bowed heads as if to say “well, this is all I have left.” Some have even folded themselves over in a child’s pose, submitting to whomever they had Surrendered.

White flags.

Hands up.

Child’s pose.

Bowed heads, raised arms.

With each thought of Surrender, thoughts of failure swirl around my head. I have to remind myself that Surrender doesn’t have to have a negative undertone. I wonder why surrender have this connotation. Humans are creatures of comfort. Certain comforts come from routines and schedules that follow the same pattern. The same pretty, repetitive, pattern. Like up and down wavelengths or a zentangle. Controlled.

Although I highly recommend and vouch for the the stability of a set daily personal routine, there are some parts of our lives that can’t be controlled in that way. And as they say in Star Trek, “Resistance is Futile”. In this case, resisting surrender and trying to control that which is essentially out of our control is futile. In the end, resistance ends up creating more anxiety and stress, less happiness in our lives, and fear of change to name a few effects.

THE ART OF KINTSUGI

In July of 2022, I was privileged enough to take a Broken Bowl course with my facilitator, Christa Brennan, LCAT, LPC in preparation for facilitating the Broken Bowl experience on my own. To begin, Christa explains the origins of Broken Bowl, which stems from the art of Kintsugi, where one mends broken pottery with lacquer and powdered gold, and Wabi-Sabi, a worldview that focuses on accepting imperfections and impermanence. The Broken Bowl experience asks us to take a bowl, create an attachment with it, break the bowl using a hammer, and then think about what parts of your life each piece could represent. 

Easy, right?

No. 

Not at all. 

I was struggling from the first strike of the hammer. Why? My control was gone. As I took the first swing of the hammer to the bottom of the bowl, I remember thinking, “I am going to get at least 6 pieces to put back together. Not too many, it’ll be great”. Usually in Broken Bowl we are asked to swing maybe 4-5 times at the bowl so we don’t make pieces that are too small to work with in the time allotted. In the end, I ended up with four big pieces to paint (five if you count the one piece that was the size of a Bugles chip). I was frustrated. 

“What am I going to do with this? I wanted the pieces to be smaller. Why is there so much resistance? I’m so mad.” 

The hardest part of the Broken Bowl is the breaking of the bowl. Expectations are thrown out and you have to trust the process and accept what the bowl gives you. And for a time, I could not handle it. I felt anger and frustration. I wanted to give up on the whole course and throw out my shattered pieces. I didn’t.

I accepted that my bowl was going to have anything other than 4 larger pieces and one tiny Bugle chip of a piece. I had to surrender, or I would go nowhere. I had to surrender my control.

After a couple of hours of painting, collaging, and writing, my bowl was together again. Surrender is a funny thing. The idea of Surrender can bring fear and anxiety that freezes a person in their tracks. But actually allowing yourself to surrender is like a weighted blanket was lifted off of you. For me, I felt silly that I allowed the fear of Surrender to get to me over pieces of ceramic. But then I was reminded of my own life and experiences and my relationship with the idea of Surrender.

Surrender for Recovery

When it comes to Surrender, it can be challenging to say, “I fought hard for and advocated to the best of my ability and now it’s time to let go”. Instead of believing that, thoughts like “What if…” and “Maybe I didn’t try hard enough” show their ugly heads.

I work in inpatient substance abuse treatment. In this setting, I constantly remind patients to surrender their old beliefs, stop resisting, and admit it’s impossible to control the uncontrollable. It is then, one begins to actually “win” and make beneficial changes to his/her quality of life. In accordance with the 12 Steps, we ask the people to admit that they are powerless against their addiction in order for them to allow someone or something else to handle that power. In that Surrender, there’s a relief. In the ease of the addiction burden, there’s space to heal and recover.

The Rewards of Surrender

Similarly, the Surrenders in my life provided me relief. In surrendering or letting go, I made room for growth and change. I’ve been able to notice habits and coping techniques I’ve been practicing in my struggle to surrender that I am not too fond of and I’m working on changing them for my best interest. Instead of “beating a dead horse”, I am allowing my time and energy to be utilized in a better environment. I am giving my time and energy to things in my life that are meaningful, and to people in my life that are meaningful. It puts us in a state of “what’s happening” instead of “what could have been”. There’s an ability to be present in the moments of my life.

Questions for Letting Go

That being said, Surrendering is not easy especially with our inner dialogue trained to associate “Surrendering” in the negative connotation mentioned previously. However, I try to check in with any struggles in order to help reverse my automatic response. By that I mean I ask myself, 

Is this challenge worth my time?

How long have I been feeling frustrated for with no end in sight?

What is my end goal?

What am I avoiding by not surrendering?

If I let go of this challenge, how would I feel? What do I think will happen?

If I kept fighting this challenge, how would I feel? What do I think will happen?

Unlearning the Traditional Surrender

Reversing a lifetime of associating “Surrendering” as someone throwing in the towel isn’t going to happen in five minutes or overnight. Have some grace (no pun intended) and continue to practice acknowledging and labeling potential Surrenders for your personal growth. 

There’s usually a sadness that comes from expectations that are not met. There is a frustration that gets louder the more you try to fight giving up control. But surrendering doesn’t have to mean giving up. Surrendering can be courageous. It can be a way to change course, alter the narrative and, ironically, take control. 

At the end of the day, we deserve to be gentle with ourselves. We have all had incredible, scary journeys to get to where we are now. Look at a Surrender not as an admission of cowardice or defeat, but as an act of self-love.

Surrender: there’s a beauty in acknowledging what we have control over and what we don’t have control over. One area of growth is surrendering to the things i can’t control. So much sadness comes from expectations especially those not met. By surrendering over the things out of my control, it puts me in a state what’s happening. instead of what could have been. Something about releasing what’s out of my control is something that keeps me present. While surrender might have a negative connotation, there’s a beautiful feeling in the submission to circumstances, time, etc. 

– Laura Giugni