Authenticity
I define this month's theme as the achievement of self-actualized freedom. I see authenticity as living in (and maintaining) a state of acceptance and self-worth despite controversial forces. It is a spiritual liberation dependent upon no other deity but the one that resides in my own soul.
Authenticity seems to be something we are all clamoring to have more of in our lives. When researching this post, hundreds of sources came up, from podcasts to quotes to books to TED talks. Amongst these lectures and discussions, many of the same terms were utilized by different authors to explore the meaning of "authentic": genuine, integrity, honesty, truth, vulnerability, courage… the list goes on.
There is also the importance of which lens we are viewing authenticity from. This is because authenticity is also about perception. My vulnerability can be viewed as honest and relatable to a specific audience. To a different audience, my vulnerability could be viewed as "weakness," "attention-seeking," or just plain discomforting. Can I be an authentic person if nobody but myself views me as such?
Whoever is listening to (or reading) my message is also a human being and, therefore, will naturally have their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions about what I am saying and doing. Their life experiences will influence their idea of what makes me authentic (or not). People can only go as deep as their own exploration has taken them. Even if I believe that my message is well-intentioned and sincere, once I express myself to others, there is no control over how they will receive it.
Because of this, there can be a lot of pain involved in authenticity. When we express what we believe is a part of our identity and are not understood, we can begin to internalize that feeling into who we are as a person. We start to hear a harmful voice saying, "Maybe… I cannot be… I should not be… I will never be…". When all we ever want for ourselves is to be ourselves. To be here. To be present. To be loved. To be respected. To be safe. To be accepted.
I want to be.
Visualizing Authenticity
What became apparent to me during this process was this:
When many of us say "I am looking for authenticity" or "I want to be my most authentic self," what we really mean is "I do not feel free" and "I do not feel at peace with who I am right now."
So how do we find peace? What can we do to feel a sense of freedom? Is there a formula or road map to authenticity? In 2000, two psychologists (Kernis & Goldman) developed an Authenticity Inventory. It comprised of four key factors:
Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and weaknesses without denial or blame.
Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
Relational orientation: Close relationships which inherently require openness and honesty.
I approach authenticity as a triangle, with the three corners being "fear," "courage," and "self-assurance." The four key factors determined by Kernis & Goldman (2000) are the connecting threads that are weaved together to create all 3 sides of the triangle.
Fear
What are you afraid of? To achieve and maintain authenticity, we acknowledge our fears as valid and thank them for alerting us to potential threats instead of rejecting them. We are honest with ourselves about our values & needs and support those values & needs despite the disapproval of others. We release the false notion that we are in control over how anyone else sees us. We love all of who we are and do not allow the thoughts and opinions of others to change us.
We can get to that destination of authenticity. Personally, my authenticity road trip has taken a few wrong turns. Sometimes it's even more than that; it was many miles down the wrong route before I realized I was lost. There have been moments where I let my fears have complete control of the wheel when all I had to do was take my foot off the gas pedal and use the brake. Fear sometimes has made me forget I am in control of who I am. My vehicle doesn't run on Fear. It runs on purpose (and I suspect a bit of diesel because I take a long time to warm up, and I don't use little spark plugs… I tend to compress everything down and create a lot of heat).
Although Fear is not the fuel for my journey, it is an evitable part of the trip. It is how we engineer our self-awareness. Fear is the signal. Fear is the fork in the road. I know I have taken the wrong path (i.e., I do not feel authentic) when:
I look to others for approval and validation
I am judging someone
I am not engaging in activities I enjoy doing
I feel guilty about my wants or needs
I decrease, lessen or dim my own self for the sake of other people's feelings or insecurities
I allow people to break a boundary I have set for myself
I tell a lie to myself or others
I let Fear be the dictator of my behavior
Courage
“I understood that being present for how suffering impacts us– and the freedom to fully embody it in the face of my oppressor– was completely liberating. ”
When I consider my authentic self, I realize that I believe that to be authentic, one must also be able to perform some sort of action despite feeling afraid. This creates the triangle dynamic: Authenticity cannot be achieved without experiencing Fear (specifically, the Fear of suffering) and choosing to not run away from that Fear.
Authenticity requires a high level of stress tolerance. Authentic people view their anxiety as a part of the process of maintaining their "true self." Authenticity is looking into "the face of my oppressor," recognizing the painful emotions and choosing myself. Authenticity consistently weathers the storm of judgment, opinions, vulnerability, and rejection.
Self-assurance
So much of my authenticity narrative revolves around proclamation. I used to believe that self-assurance required showing and telling every single aspect of myself to all. I thought it was being honest to the point of never sugar-coating my answers to the questions people would ask me, even if it hurt them. I thought it was never backing down from a verbal or physical confrontation because that would mean my beliefs and values weren't being defended. I also believed that failure to do any of these things made me a coward (which, alongside "a disappointment," was the worst thing I could ever be).
And then I read something that gave me the space to change that belief:
“Remember, saying whatever we want, whenever we want; however, we want, is not freedom. Real freedom is not feeling the need to say these things.”
While I still believe that living an authentic life requires that my actions and behaviors align with what I believe in, I no longer have chained myself across the gate of "open expression." Some of my thoughts and feelings are just for me. Constantly feeling the need to let everyone know my unfiltered opinions and feelings (while it may make me honest) does not demonstrate my authenticity. It reveals my insecurities.
Self-assurance is knowing your truth in any environment. A part of authenticity is having your self-esteem, identity, and self-worth independent of the approval of others. Just because I do not verbalize every thought or aspect of myself does not mean I am a coward, disingenuous, or inauthentic. It can demonstrate mindfulness toward others and a refusal to project or "dump" my emotions all over anyone in my immediate vicinity. It often means I am protecting my inner peace and creating a boundary for my energy. Not everyone gets access to me. I am not for everyone. I do not exist for everyone's pleasure or comfort.
Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?
If I've observed anything about social interaction, it is that people will voice their observations and opinions about you whether you publicly express your truth or not. It is important to observe where these observations and opinions are coming from. A lot of times, it is a natural response to seeing a change. And sometimes, it is people's own insecurities. I try to respond with grace: everyone is battling something they are aware of and not yet conscious of.
So much of authentic existence is about unabashedly looking at the inner workings of our minds and hearts (meaning our soul) and nurturing our spirit. It is letting Fear sit in the backseat while Self-assurance rides shotgun and Courage takes the wheel. It is living your life like you are running out of time so that you can invest that time and energy into what truly matters. It is putting yourself back into the narrative and not allowing others to tell your story for you.
Because yes, there will be others who spin the narrative another way or tell the story in a way you do not wish it to be told. However, you are the only one who lives your story. And you are the one who will die with yourself.
Let's not allow Fear of judgment to be the reason any of us do not do something (or engage in behavior that feels incongruent with who we are). At the end of this trip, it's just ourselves and the view. I, for one, plan on parting this Earth as someone happy with her life, who she was, and how she experienced it all. And you, reader, deserve that, too.
“I’ve got a certain ugliness to me. That ugliness is very alive and filled with beauty because it is connected to the intent to truly serve future generations.”
An Authentic Future
Even after we are gone, our authentic lives will become the "Then." Our values and how honestly we express ourselves will create change for the upcoming age. By being authentic, we create empowerment for others. I am who I am partly because numerous people lived as their authentic selves before me. People not only expressed who they were but fought for the space for others to be themselves in a safer, more accepting environment than the one they had to survive in.
Authenticity isn't beautiful, but there is so much beauty because of it.